Head

Head, its seems to be the only thing all guys always want. I have some girlfriends who love it, I have some who hate it, I know some who could careless, and some who find it repulsive, until recently I was one of those girls. It wasn't the act of doing it that I found repulsive, it was the taste and that I always found myself getting bored. This I will admit, is probably because I didnt know what I was doing, until a recent ex, with whom I perfected giving head. I wouldnt say I love it now, honestly I would still rather fuck a guy, but I don't mind giving it to those I would really love see squirm.

My real issue with giving head, and I find its either a hit or miss with most girls, is cum. Personally the tastes of it, the smell of it, makes me want to gag. Its so salty, and why does it have to be warm? I had this discussion with my girl Em a while back, who feels the same way as I do. I realize that it has enough protein to satisfy me for probably a week, however its warm. For me its like taking a shot of Vodka that has been left out of the fridge, you know it may do some good, however it makes you want to throw up the second it hits your tongue/throat. Why couldnt sperm be chilled? I'm not saying ice cold, I dont want my mouth to go numb, but I feel like I would enjoy it much more if it were at least closer to room temperature.

This got my girl Em and I thinking about this whole vampire craze that is circulating through out the world. If vampires are so much cooler to the touch then people, does that mean their sperm is cold? Do they even have sperm? I feel like the stories are a little wish washy of whether or not vampires can have children of their own the same way us mere humans do, so its tough to decide. Maybe when you become a Vampire you loose the inability to produce sperm. Now that would be awesome, to be able to give head with out worrying about some idiot cumming inside you, cumming on your face, or a warm salty gooey mess shooting down the back of your throat.

I much prefer biting anyways, so count me in!

Batter Up

Men in uniform. Yum. I went to the Dbacks Giants game tonight in Phoenix, and let me say, damn i love those pants! I think it's safe to say that every woman has a thing for a man in uniform, whether it a sport, military, construction, cowboy, you name it, we love it. My personal favorite, in case it was not clear, is the baseball uniform, especially when they fit the ass just right. But it's not just the pants it's the baseball tees and the MLB caps too, I just cant get enough. Have you every noticed how much better most guys look if they put a baseball hat on? I have, they should probably start wearing them in bed too. It's like sunglasses, sometimes you meet a guy (wearing sunglasses) and hes super hot, you chat it up, then he takes the glasses off, and BAM suddenly not so hot. You may think I'm crazy, but think about it next time you're in the situation, I would be surprised if you didn't think the same.

Speaking of baseball, lets talk bases. By bases I mean, in terms of hooking up. As in, "Did you guys hook up last night? What base did you get to?" One would think that we had all matured beyond using the expression, but I still find myself asking the question, as if I'm in 5th grade living vicariously through a friends sex life. I Always thought that everyone thought of the bases the same way, but I've learned that I'm wrong, but I def think my definition for each base makes the most sense:

1st: Making out maybe some boob action

2nd: Finger/Hand job

3rd: Head (male or female)

Home plate: Sex (vaginal)

Home run: Sex on the first night

Grand Slam: Threesome and beyond

Seems about right huh? I think yes.

So lets go to the park, you can throw sand at me and pretend to hate me, I'll run away and screaming acting like I don't want you to catch me, and when you finally tackle me lets go to first. Then maybe if you dont pull my hair I'll let you skip to 3rd. Now if you promise to sit next to me on the bus, I'll lead you to home plate. hahaha

Career Title: Whore

The other night I went to a local bar, stumbling distance from my apartment, in order to make a sparkless date start a fire, and I found the perfect igniter and her name is Nixon. It was basically love at first sight for both of us, once we realized we're both loud, candid, honest, and don't deal with bullshit, especially from men. Not to mention we seem to have the same taste in fashion and the "pretty" boys we let keep us company. Therefore it would not be hard for anyone to believe that my attention turned to her for the rest of the night and not on my date, who for the next two hours didn't even attempt to add to any of the conversations that took place.

One of the topics of conversation that came up was that Ms Nixon used to be a stripper. Which I wasn't too surprised by because she seemed like quite a sexual person, however she only did topless and this is why: "I'm not fucking rubbing my vag up and down some nasty pole that doesn't get cleaned after each dance. I heard what those bitches said in the back, I don't want herpes!" hahaha Totally understandable. Of course the guys who chimed in thought her excuse was ridiculous and kept asking "what if the pole was cleaned?!" Yet they never quite got the point, until I pointed out that she was making a statement that she would never rub her vag up and down a public pole even if it was supposedly cleaned each time.

The conversation was entertaining to say the least and got me thinking about stripping. No no not me stripping per say, but the thought about having an audience paying to see you dance is intriguing. Isn't it the same as paying to see the ballet or a hip hop crew? The answer I would assume, would be no to most people. Strippers take their clothes off, they are sluts or whores. But it is their choice to take their clothes off isn't it? And the people who pay to see them dance, well it was their choice to do that too, right? So what's the big deal. Art students and Universities pay models to pose nude for art classes, but yet those models aren't seen as slutty, when there really is no difference. They are paid to take their clothes off for an audience.

Are porn stars whores? I guess in technical terms many would say yes because they have slept with G-d knows how many people, but it is their job too. Are you only a slut if you don't get paid to do it?

What about go-go dancers or burlesque dancers. These are sexual jobs that people consider classier than perhaps a stripper or a porn star, but the differences are minimal. Go-go dancers don't take off their clothes, but they get paid to dance hours on end, generally in suggestive manners. Many of them can work the pole as good as any stripper, so why are they accepted but strippers aren't? Burlesque dancers do strip, but it is considered and artistic performance and they are generally not completely naked in front of the audience. Which brings up the question, if you can call it art is it ok? What if a stripper were to say, "the way I dance is an art form, my body is a symbol of feminine sexuality to be studied by those so willing." Makes it sound pretty good, huh?


"The whore is despised by the hypocritical world because she has made a realistic assessment of her assets and does not rely on fraud to make a living...her honesty is regarded with mocking wonder," (Angela Carter). Agreed.

The Stage Fright Penis part 2

After taking a trip down memory lane on the fabulous website, we are all stalker obsessed with Facebook, I thought about another story of the Stage Fright Penis, which humorous enough I would like to share. This story is in honor of my lovergirl S, and our fabulous sex lives during our freshmen year of college. Though the male in this story was a year older then us, he was still young, therefore fits perfectly into my theory that this penis disorder is most common in younger men.

Now my girl S, was dating this guy we nicknamed Cannoli, based off the physical shape and size of his penis, which we all owe to a photo she snapped of him one night when he was naked. Now upon the first night of S and Mr. Cannoli hooking up past first base, S somehow gets him to go down on her, which is a miracle in itself considering she has large beautiful boobs, and one would assume he'd be stuck consuming them all night. Anyways, Mr. Cannoli starts to eat her out, and then BAM!!! He cums! No that is not a typo, he came not her! Now wtf is that? He was touching her, she wasn't even anywhere near his penis, neither were his hands, but somehow everything was too overwhelming for his penis.

And there you have it another not so amazing, slightly hilarious, extremely embarrassing performance of the Stage Fright Penis! Needless to say, and not surprising at all, they did not finish hooking up that night. Although, there should be some compliments given to my girl S, who is obviously so hot that she doesn't need to do anything, and I mean nothing to make a guy cum all over himself. But seriously dude? It's probably pretty obvious that you would be a two-pump-chump, which is something after the 2nd time you ever have had sex should have been delt with.

The whole thing reminds me of that fabulous song that JT sang,"Jizz in My Pants." What is this strange phenomenon of men just looking at women and getting off? Seriously save yourself the embarrassment, and learn how to control yourselves. Unless you fall into that small percentage of men who can come more then once without having to take a serious break in between, we women are not going to want to go near you. Yes, its a compliment to the female race that we have these powers to make you explode by just looking at you, which may I note most of us were unaware of; but we want to cum too! And that certainly won't happen if this school boy crush mumbling cumming all over yourself shit doesn't get taken care of soon! And you wonder why so many of us (women) are starting to prefer our own sex over you...

The Stage Fright Penis & Then Some

This blog is in honor of my dear friend A. and a crisis which seems to occur in some men called the Stage Fright Penis. Most commonly occurs in those young men who we woman can't get enough of, that one guy that you don't know why but you just want to pounce him every chance you get. Then when you finally get him in bed with his cloths of, all your dreams are shattered because he can't get it up. Or in my girls case he starts to get it up but than gets a stomach cramp and has to stop. A stomach cramp?! Seriously? You know what I would say if my man was like I have a stomach cramp, I'd say man the fuck up, or atleast lie down and let me get on top of you so we can both still get something out of this.

Turns out this guy couldnt get it up on several other occasions, yet everynight she went over to hang out with him he would ask her to stay. But why would she stay if there isnt going to be a happy ending?

My theory abouth this stage fright stems from a simple thing we all like to call the school boy crush. I dont mean that fabulous myth we all heard growing up about boys being mean to you if they like you, because honestly theres a 50/50 chance that that is actually true. I mean the nervous, mumbling of words, following you like a puppy dog, eyes smile everytime youre around thing that happens most commonly when a younger guy likes and older woman. Once they reach college though, they add this thing in with the penis, he wants the penis to work, but for some strange reason (even with a super hot girl in front of them), the penis falls as flat as the muffled words falling out of his mouth. I.e. may I present to you the not so amazing Stage Fright Penis! A Performance that will never be sold out and despite acting classes may always have a seat in the back of our minds.

The circumstance becomes one that is more fraustrating then anything, and these questions then start to pop into any girls mind: What if this is only a one time occurance? If it's a one time occurance, does that mean this is just some random fluke? OMG This is so lame, maybe I should just go home. But what if he wants to see me again? Maybe I could train him, I'm so sick of training guys....And here enlies the bigger issue and the ultimate disappointment of the Stage Fright Penis, the fear of having to train them into performing on their own. Sometimes training can be fun, but not if we want pleasure now! We don't want a drooling puppy dog we want a strong stiff beast!