A Smile, A Drink, An Absolute Wink

Hello my name is Kate and I have a bartender problem. If there were ever to be an addiction to be had, this would be mine. Whether it is a life or death matter or effectively serious, the jury is still out, however I have a bartender problem. It is safe to say that single Kate will most likely fall for the guy behind the bar on the night out with the girls rather than the several options on the other side. People say that while on the prowl you should always have the bartender on your side (and anyone else working), that way when in doubt you have their support, whether it's another shot of tequila to kill the heartache or a heads up that the girl you're talking to is a crazy. Not only does that bartender seem to hold supreme power over the festivities for the night to come, but they have this magical way of making you feel like you are the only one in the room. And though you know if the back of your head that you are not the first recipient to the smile plastered across their face, they still are able to convince you otherwise.

Only those who are able to charm the bitchiest of people are hired as bartenders. That and the hottest; however those who know how to talk the talk but may be considered a 5, can suddenly appear to be a 10 behind glossy vodka eyes. I wouldn't be surprised if we'd all be there, had a 3 hour love affair with a bartender, but my problem stretches further than that. My affairs tend to last past the first night and beyond the bar, into weeks of flirtation, and the reminder in the back of my mind, "Darlin' you should never date a bartender."

Thinking back pretty far my love affair with bartenders probably started at the age of 16, where the thought of dating a boy my own age was the farthest thing from my mind. I went to a cousin's wedding in Wisconsin where, at 16 I could sit at the bar, but not order a drink. I spent my nights flirting up a storm with the 21 year old bartender at the hotel bar. Looking back the age difference was quite perverted on his part. Needless to say I left at the end of the week with his phone number and address, written on a piece of paper, which he gave willingly without my personal request of them. I was infatuated and obviously naive.

Since I never got a fake ID, the affair was put on hold until I turned 21, where my naivety slipped away and was replaced by remarkable networking skills. Not only did I become friends with the staff of my favorite go to spots, but I fell back in love with the presents of the bartender. No, I didn't hook up with or date every bartender which I gained some correspondence with, but the list of affairs did increase.

Yes, there are obvious perks to dating a bartender, such as never waiting to be served, staying after hours, and the major bonus to most: free drinks, but those are all minor in my mind. I just can't get enough of the attention and their air of confidence which normally stems observation rather than practical experience. That being said, from my experience I think bartenders have a Kate problem as well. Is that a cocky statement? Yes, but it's not without reason. As a bartender (from what I'm told) girls or even guy often leave their numbers on napkins/receipts, or flirt up a storm in order to be the chosen of the night. The one with the honor of going home or being called by said bartender. That being said they have several options, and any bartender who claims otherwise is likely just being modest.

Maybe it's because I don't throw my panties at them right away which has them coming back for more. But likely it's because I put them on some sort of pedestal and yern to know you they are beyond the delicious drinks and sharp witted tongue. Everyone likes attention right? Who knows, but I have a bartender problem. The affairs generally don't last longer than a month or so, because from what I can tell bartenders are a fun time but lack long term romance. But who can blame them? They are surrounded by beautiful enticing people every night, ones with their own secrets waiting to be shared over a cigarette in tussled sheets, and who better to be that partner in crime then them?

Bartenders, they all turn into the one who got away, the one that could have been, should have been, if there'd only been a way. But you never date someone who can sweep you off your feet, with just one shot and just one wink.

If you still don't get the feeling Lady Gag sings it well:

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me oh/ I'll give anything again to be your baby doll/ This time I'm not leaving without you/ He said, "Sit back down where you belong/ In the corner of my bar with your high heels on/ Sit back down on the couch where we/ Made love for the first time and you said to me"/ Something, something about this place/ Something 'bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face/...Yeah, something about, baby, you and I

The Common Sense Gene & Lack There Of

I believe I have discovered the real reason for the lack of quality men in the most recent generations, the lack of the Common Sense gene. Lack of common sense generally comes when you don't think before you speak or act. I'm not saying that you should completely nix the idea of acting on impulse or being spontaneous, but there is a time and place for that. Part of having common sense, which is where I've found most men lack is thinking about how your actions will affect those around you, especially those who you care about. Such as saying you will call, and then not. Ok, so you actually can't talk when you said you could, well is it so hard to call and quickly say I will call you back when it is convenient or at least send a text saying the same thing? Is it really that hard? No

It's more frustrating and annoying then anything else. For example I just got broken up with in a way that hasn't happen since I was 17, which makes it even more horrible because we're not in high school anymore! I'd been seeing this guy for a little over a month, he sent me love letters, asked me to move in with him, took me to lunch with his grandmother and mother, was affectionate in public, nice to my friends, wouldn't let me pay for anything, basically picture perfect. I drop him off at his house after going to lunch one afternoon, we kiss good bye, he says he'll call me later, everything is peachy keen THEN I NEVER hear from him again. WTF is that? I mean be a man, use some common sense and at the very least text me and tell me why you want things to end. I'm a big girl ya I'll probably be crushed but I'll get over it.

It doesn't matter how old they are, the above example is 22, so you might say well he's young, he'll learn, he wont. I went to the bars the other night to grab a couple drinks with some friends. I'm minding my own business trying to consume this massively large shot, which I was not particularly excited about, when I get tapped on the shoulder. I turn around and standing before me is a 6'4 muscular man around the age of 28-32. He introduced himself by telling me that he has a Masters and asked if I wanted to dance. I said yes then after the 2nd dance I went back to talk to my friends. He followed and just stood there, so I turn to him and say I think I'm going to hang out with my friends for a bit, he asked what I thought he should do. Seriously? Use some common sense...so I say you hang out with your friends I'll hang out with mine and I'll find you later. Instead of getting it he says I really do have a masters I can show the certificate. So here I am thinking to myself, well isn't that dandy. Impressive, yes, but you have to have a lot more going on then a masters to make me interested.

Finally he gets it (or so I think) and goes back to talking to his friends. My girl L and I decide to go play some pool, a couple of our guy friends come and watch. Then we get approached by this man and a woman who ask to play 2 on 2 next, we say sure. Then their pose follow and I soon realize that they are Mr. Master's friends. So I tell one of my guy friends to cock block for me, my boy puts his arm around my waist, staking his "claim" yet Mr. Masters still comes up and tries to talk to me. Not only does he interrupt the conversation of my new "boyfriend" and I but he offers me a gift! CREEPY. He says its a very important token and he wants to give it to me. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy gifts..from people I know. I politely decline and say thank you but I'm undeserving (note: my boy is still standing there with his arm around my waist giving Mr. Masters the evil eye). Who gives someone a gift that they just met? Let alone a girl who is standing there with another guys arm around her waist? People who lack common sense is the only realistic answer. Or people who lack observation skills, but the two seem to go hand in hand for the most part.

Now by this time I'm getting slightly frustrated, yet I don't want to seem rude so I politely excuse myself by saying "Excuse me while I got to the bathroom." (I really did have to go). Mr. Master's turns to me and asks, "I'm sorry did I do something wrong?" So I pause, and think, using my common sense I realise that this guy doesn't get it. So I say, "Honestly, I think you should use actions above words to prove your attraction to someone." Referring of course to him telling me several times that he has a masters in order to make me want to talk to him.

Listen up men: Yes looking good on paper is nice, but it is more of a bonus than anything else. I want to like you for you, personality and physical attraction are much more important to me than whether you have a masters degree or not! Also use some common sense and observe! It takes all of two seconds, G-d forbid you have to use your brain for once!

The Curse of Arizona aka The Bad Boy Curse

I'd like to blame it on the heat, which is what I've tried to convince myself is the cause for everything this summer, but since it is not hot all year round here in Arizona, this one thing it cannot be blamed for. After several years of being a serial dater here in Arizona, the boys/men/guys have all proven one thing to me, that there must be a curse on this state, which I like to call the Bad Boy Curse.

It's been my experience that Arizona, specifically Tucson, breeds bad men. Even if you were not born and raised in the state, but then move here, you will at some point become an asshole if you were not one already. You will become what we women consider bad boys. You may be gorgeous, you may be tall and strong, you are most likely but not always covered in tattoos, you may know how to dance, you may own an amazing set of wheels or you may prefer to walk, you are probably an amazing kisser, and most often then not great in bed, but most importantly you know exactly how to sweep us (girls) off our feet, until a few weeks later where we see what a massive asshole you really are, and instead of landing on cloud nine we land in a pile of shit holding onto our broken hearts.

Personally, I'm an independent woman and get over the fact that you were a waste of my time rather quickly, but that does not set aside the fact that you seemed amazing but turned out to be the opposite. Nearly, every guy I've ever dated while living in Arizona has fallen under this curse. If that's true then you might ask me, "Why don't you date a different type of guy?" well dear reader I have dated all sorts of guys. They rarely ever fall into the same stereotypical category other then the curse.

Now don't get me wrong I realize that not 100% of the male race living in Arizona falls under this curse, but I would say 92% do, or at least from what I can tell. And for that 8% that have developed some sort of immunity to the curse, well they are snatched up so quickly, that literally not figuratively, in the blink of my eyes, they are spoken for. And since they are so amazing, once they are snatched up they are rarely seen on the market again.

I do suspect though there are a select few men that are able to fight off the curse and somehow cure themselves, however this is rare, and hard to find. And just thinking about this curse makes me want to try girls on for size again. After all, every time I'm with one of these soon to be heart breakers, all I ever crave is a make out sesh with a chick, but that is neither here nor there, so ladies beware of the curse!

The Stage Fright Penis & Then Some

This blog is in honor of my dear friend A. and a crisis which seems to occur in some men called the Stage Fright Penis. Most commonly occurs in those young men who we woman can't get enough of, that one guy that you don't know why but you just want to pounce him every chance you get. Then when you finally get him in bed with his cloths of, all your dreams are shattered because he can't get it up. Or in my girls case he starts to get it up but than gets a stomach cramp and has to stop. A stomach cramp?! Seriously? You know what I would say if my man was like I have a stomach cramp, I'd say man the fuck up, or atleast lie down and let me get on top of you so we can both still get something out of this.

Turns out this guy couldnt get it up on several other occasions, yet everynight she went over to hang out with him he would ask her to stay. But why would she stay if there isnt going to be a happy ending?

My theory abouth this stage fright stems from a simple thing we all like to call the school boy crush. I dont mean that fabulous myth we all heard growing up about boys being mean to you if they like you, because honestly theres a 50/50 chance that that is actually true. I mean the nervous, mumbling of words, following you like a puppy dog, eyes smile everytime youre around thing that happens most commonly when a younger guy likes and older woman. Once they reach college though, they add this thing in with the penis, he wants the penis to work, but for some strange reason (even with a super hot girl in front of them), the penis falls as flat as the muffled words falling out of his mouth. I.e. may I present to you the not so amazing Stage Fright Penis! A Performance that will never be sold out and despite acting classes may always have a seat in the back of our minds.

The circumstance becomes one that is more fraustrating then anything, and these questions then start to pop into any girls mind: What if this is only a one time occurance? If it's a one time occurance, does that mean this is just some random fluke? OMG This is so lame, maybe I should just go home. But what if he wants to see me again? Maybe I could train him, I'm so sick of training guys....And here enlies the bigger issue and the ultimate disappointment of the Stage Fright Penis, the fear of having to train them into performing on their own. Sometimes training can be fun, but not if we want pleasure now! We don't want a drooling puppy dog we want a strong stiff beast!