No More Mr Nice Guy

Until last night I was beginning to think that perhaps I was being too harsh on the current single male population; maybe not all guys were bad, maybe I should give the nice guy a second chance. Therefore, I decided to go on a few dates with some "nice guys," however last night and other recent events that occurred not only to myself but to my girlfriends as well, has changed my mind about this being called the "Nice Guy."

I went on a couple dates with a N.G, I'll call Tattoo J. Though he was covered in tattoos and drove a motorcycle he seemed sweet enough to me. I even thought at one point I would actually really like to be friends with this guy, if not something more. He showed great interest in me both sexually and mentally, constantly sending me flirtatious text messages, and was openly honest about life and such. Two nights ago he tells me he cant wait to see me and be able to put his hands all over my newly Hawaiian tanned body and invites me to drinks for the next night. After a few drinks he tells me that he has a girlfriend, and has had one since the first time we met. Are you fucking kidding me?!

Here's the deal I understand that some of you guys may think you're being N.G's by confessing shit to us like that in person, but do yourself a favor and don't. Not only did he claim the first night we met that he was an honest guy, which now was obviously a lie, but i have now wasted a night I could have been spending with another guy or a friend. Tattoo J then with glassed over eyes repeatedly tells me hes sorry and I'm amazing and he was being selfish, well you know what I told him? "You are just plain stupid!"

I have a new theory about this N.G. thing. I believe at one point true N.G.'s did exist...that is 50 yrs ago, when giving your pin to a girl was peachy keen, and guys enjoyed holding a girls hand as much as they enjoy grabbing asses now. However, things have obviously changed. Now a days guys constantly complain that girls only go for B.G's (bad guys) and they always miss the good ones, yet the supposed N.G's always become B.G's down the line. It's as if all of a sudden the male race woke up one morning and was like lets all be B.G's. Now its truly slim pickings, for us women. Us girls shouldn't be the ones to blame for falling for the wrong kind of guy, blame yourselves (the guys) for being them.

My girl A had a realization one night a few months ago, that she had feelings for our friend B (who we had all known had been in love with her forever). They started out pretty casual, but quickly their relationship turned into a sleepovers every night-shared meals every day-kissy kissy lovey dovey puke in your mouth infatuated with one another-ship. B had been that cute boyish nice academically smart guy we'd all enjoyed hanging out, with into a completely whipped on my girl A and her on him. They appeared disgustingly into one another, and though they never made their relationship official on facebook, they were exclusive with one another.

Until one day A was roaming on facebook and came across a correspondence between B and his most recent ex who was away in France for the semester. In the messages A discovered that B and the ex were still saying how much they were in love with one another and how they couldn't wait to see each other. At one point B mentioned not taking a job offer in Vegas to be with her when she got back. When A confronted B with what she had seen, he denied it until she showed him proof, he then cried like a little bitch and begged her "not to give up on what they had." What exactly is it that they had? A relationship between a nice girl and a Jackal and Hyde? It still baffles me how such a seemly nice and devoted guy could turn around and devote his heart to another girl as well. I feel like for most people that involves way too much energy to even think about doing it.

So what is my conclusion (for now) about this nice guy epidemic? Men are selfish. When Tattoo J was flirting up a storm with me and asking me out and kissing me, was he thinking about how I would react when I found out he wasn't single? Obviously not. Was B considering how heartbroken A would be when she found out her dearest lover and friend was in love with someone else? Nope. And what about the other girls involved? I wonder how they are going to feel if and when they find out what these black knights in white armour were doing behind their backs.

Seriously, in the words of Minni Driver in Grosse Pointe Blank, "Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?" Obviously the head, since they seem to lack hearts.

Head

Head, its seems to be the only thing all guys always want. I have some girlfriends who love it, I have some who hate it, I know some who could careless, and some who find it repulsive, until recently I was one of those girls. It wasn't the act of doing it that I found repulsive, it was the taste and that I always found myself getting bored. This I will admit, is probably because I didnt know what I was doing, until a recent ex, with whom I perfected giving head. I wouldnt say I love it now, honestly I would still rather fuck a guy, but I don't mind giving it to those I would really love see squirm.

My real issue with giving head, and I find its either a hit or miss with most girls, is cum. Personally the tastes of it, the smell of it, makes me want to gag. Its so salty, and why does it have to be warm? I had this discussion with my girl Em a while back, who feels the same way as I do. I realize that it has enough protein to satisfy me for probably a week, however its warm. For me its like taking a shot of Vodka that has been left out of the fridge, you know it may do some good, however it makes you want to throw up the second it hits your tongue/throat. Why couldnt sperm be chilled? I'm not saying ice cold, I dont want my mouth to go numb, but I feel like I would enjoy it much more if it were at least closer to room temperature.

This got my girl Em and I thinking about this whole vampire craze that is circulating through out the world. If vampires are so much cooler to the touch then people, does that mean their sperm is cold? Do they even have sperm? I feel like the stories are a little wish washy of whether or not vampires can have children of their own the same way us mere humans do, so its tough to decide. Maybe when you become a Vampire you loose the inability to produce sperm. Now that would be awesome, to be able to give head with out worrying about some idiot cumming inside you, cumming on your face, or a warm salty gooey mess shooting down the back of your throat.

I much prefer biting anyways, so count me in!

Batter Up

Men in uniform. Yum. I went to the Dbacks Giants game tonight in Phoenix, and let me say, damn i love those pants! I think it's safe to say that every woman has a thing for a man in uniform, whether it a sport, military, construction, cowboy, you name it, we love it. My personal favorite, in case it was not clear, is the baseball uniform, especially when they fit the ass just right. But it's not just the pants it's the baseball tees and the MLB caps too, I just cant get enough. Have you every noticed how much better most guys look if they put a baseball hat on? I have, they should probably start wearing them in bed too. It's like sunglasses, sometimes you meet a guy (wearing sunglasses) and hes super hot, you chat it up, then he takes the glasses off, and BAM suddenly not so hot. You may think I'm crazy, but think about it next time you're in the situation, I would be surprised if you didn't think the same.

Speaking of baseball, lets talk bases. By bases I mean, in terms of hooking up. As in, "Did you guys hook up last night? What base did you get to?" One would think that we had all matured beyond using the expression, but I still find myself asking the question, as if I'm in 5th grade living vicariously through a friends sex life. I Always thought that everyone thought of the bases the same way, but I've learned that I'm wrong, but I def think my definition for each base makes the most sense:

1st: Making out maybe some boob action

2nd: Finger/Hand job

3rd: Head (male or female)

Home plate: Sex (vaginal)

Home run: Sex on the first night

Grand Slam: Threesome and beyond

Seems about right huh? I think yes.

So lets go to the park, you can throw sand at me and pretend to hate me, I'll run away and screaming acting like I don't want you to catch me, and when you finally tackle me lets go to first. Then maybe if you dont pull my hair I'll let you skip to 3rd. Now if you promise to sit next to me on the bus, I'll lead you to home plate. hahaha

Career Title: Whore

The other night I went to a local bar, stumbling distance from my apartment, in order to make a sparkless date start a fire, and I found the perfect igniter and her name is Nixon. It was basically love at first sight for both of us, once we realized we're both loud, candid, honest, and don't deal with bullshit, especially from men. Not to mention we seem to have the same taste in fashion and the "pretty" boys we let keep us company. Therefore it would not be hard for anyone to believe that my attention turned to her for the rest of the night and not on my date, who for the next two hours didn't even attempt to add to any of the conversations that took place.

One of the topics of conversation that came up was that Ms Nixon used to be a stripper. Which I wasn't too surprised by because she seemed like quite a sexual person, however she only did topless and this is why: "I'm not fucking rubbing my vag up and down some nasty pole that doesn't get cleaned after each dance. I heard what those bitches said in the back, I don't want herpes!" hahaha Totally understandable. Of course the guys who chimed in thought her excuse was ridiculous and kept asking "what if the pole was cleaned?!" Yet they never quite got the point, until I pointed out that she was making a statement that she would never rub her vag up and down a public pole even if it was supposedly cleaned each time.

The conversation was entertaining to say the least and got me thinking about stripping. No no not me stripping per say, but the thought about having an audience paying to see you dance is intriguing. Isn't it the same as paying to see the ballet or a hip hop crew? The answer I would assume, would be no to most people. Strippers take their clothes off, they are sluts or whores. But it is their choice to take their clothes off isn't it? And the people who pay to see them dance, well it was their choice to do that too, right? So what's the big deal. Art students and Universities pay models to pose nude for art classes, but yet those models aren't seen as slutty, when there really is no difference. They are paid to take their clothes off for an audience.

Are porn stars whores? I guess in technical terms many would say yes because they have slept with G-d knows how many people, but it is their job too. Are you only a slut if you don't get paid to do it?

What about go-go dancers or burlesque dancers. These are sexual jobs that people consider classier than perhaps a stripper or a porn star, but the differences are minimal. Go-go dancers don't take off their clothes, but they get paid to dance hours on end, generally in suggestive manners. Many of them can work the pole as good as any stripper, so why are they accepted but strippers aren't? Burlesque dancers do strip, but it is considered and artistic performance and they are generally not completely naked in front of the audience. Which brings up the question, if you can call it art is it ok? What if a stripper were to say, "the way I dance is an art form, my body is a symbol of feminine sexuality to be studied by those so willing." Makes it sound pretty good, huh?


"The whore is despised by the hypocritical world because she has made a realistic assessment of her assets and does not rely on fraud to make a living...her honesty is regarded with mocking wonder," (Angela Carter). Agreed.

May I Keep You?

If there were ever the perfect movie to inspire me to write a blog about, it would be "Strictly Sexual," about two roommates who hire two guys to live in their pool house to have sex with them whenever they want, as kept men. Not only does the movie do a good job with character development it also gives an inside look into the male female dynamic, and what makes the other tick. Prostitution or escorts are generally viewed as a female dominated sport in social media, however the prospect of a kept man does come up frequently in the discussion of cougars. But what if you are a younger woman who decides that having a guy around to use for sexual pleasure is the poison which you choose to take?

My girl T and I have often joked about kidnapping our two favorite past lovers and keeping them for pure entertainment. Though the action will likely never take place based off legal factors, what if they came willingly? We are both stuck in love/hate relationships with them, where they both love us and we hate them, however each time their eyes grace our bodies, lust takes over and we give in. In that respect we have chosen to keep little to no constant contact which each, but if there were ever the chance to keep them around as long as we'd like, we'd take it.

So why not surpass societies natural responses to the situation and jump right into the sort of relationship many people would probably gladly consider? After all, men love sex, women love sex, why not bring the two together? Men seem to have this preconceived notion that if you just asked us to fuck we would automatically say no. What they may not understand is that sometimes we don't like to deal with the messiness of a relationship as much as they do. Which is one of the reasons people have one night stands, right? You get to enjoy the lust and the passion and not worry about where the person is or who they are with the next day. Of course with the concept of a kept man there would most likely be rules, such as can they or can't they run off and have sex with other people too? Likely not.

I suppose that's what the playboy bunnies are, kept women. They have a curfew, an allowance, and are supposed (or so I've heard) to have sex with Hugh Hefner. Once the kept person or the "employer" decide they want out, each party goes on their separate ways.

Its the companionship without the crazy, although based off observation guys love crazy...

Penis in a Jar

Recently I went people watching with my boy KB at one of our favorite bars in Tempe, Arizona. We soon realized that there were slim pickings for each of us, which was depressing, so we just kept ourselves entertained with each others witty remarks. At one point this drunk boy sat down with us and offered to buy each of us a drink. We had been drinking Stella (yum!) but I was starting to feel a little buzzed so I chose to switch it up with a bud light (bottle). After all it drinks like water but is alcohol so its perfect for those situations. Anyway, the kid asks why I want a bud light, I say I want a different taste in my mouth. He replies, "Why, isn't his taste already in your mouth?!" (referring to KB) hahahahah fucking hilarious, we tell him were like besties so no.

We then get into the discussion of can a guy and a girl really be just friends? Despite movies like "When Harry met Sally" I think yes and this is why. In reiterating, something Chris Rock once said, if you are a guy you either have girls who are friends (ones who you have yet to fuck but will) or you have friends who are girls (ones who at one point you wanted to fuck but you took a wrong turn into the friends zone). These girls think of you as their "dick in a jar," left high on the shelf for safe keeping for that 1% chance she run out of luck and she wants to fuck. In that case she'll take you down and try you out for size (literally and figuratively). Now as a guy you would never try because you know she thinks of you as just a friend, but if that small chance comes your way and she wants sex, you'd fuck her.

Now what most guys perhaps realize or don't, is that us girls will likely never take you out of the jar, because we appreciate our friendships. Personally, I have several guy friends, most of which I cringe at the thought of them having any sexual relationships with anyone because they are like step brothers in my eyes. However, there have been a few situations, when intoxicated, where I've thought maybe, but then I start thinking straight and don't go there. However, from experience and word of mouth I'm pretty sure most of those guys who have friends who are girls, still think about fucking them, especially if they are hot girls.

Then there are the unfortunate few guys, who fall head over heels for said friends and try to get her to feel the same way. I'm sorry life is not like the movies, despite what society wants to believe, and most of the time she will not return his feelings. And that's where you men pull the "all or nothing card." This in any situation is the stupidest thing for anyone to do. Never pull the "all or nothing card" unless you are 100% sure the other party will pick you, otherwise they wont and you just fucked up a good friendship. You should never make anyone choose between two people.

1. if they do choose you, there will still be left over tension from the fact that they were asked to choose from the get go. Then you'll have the constant thoughts in your head about well do they still think about the other person, after all they were into that other situation for a reason. And the guy/girl who did choose your way, will come to resent you. Resent, a word we should all learn to hate.

2. If they choose the other option, you just fucked up a good thing, even if you remain friends, the resentment is there.

Now, like most friendships between men and women, in the beginning there is always that lust based off pure physical attraction. You either were like damn they are hot or they aren't. If they weren't attractive in your mind, that slide into just friends is easy, at least on your side. However, if you were attracted to them, and you were positive they were into you, then fucking say something! If its in the beginning you don't really have any risk of ruining a friendship that was never really there to begin with. What many guys don't realise is that, we women like to fuck just about as much as you do. And if you don't want to date us but just fuck, say it. True we might not like the truth, but were big girls we can deal with it. We'll either fuck you anyways or move on to the next.

Here's where the idea of "fuck buddies" comes into play. If that is all you want then say it! Don't dance around the truth, just tell us. If no agreement is made then both parties will move on.

Yes, I know men like the chase, well try this one on for size: She says she doesn't want to just be a fuck buddy, so she walks away...well fucking keep chasing her if that's what gets you off!

However, what many men don't realise is that we women are a lot more calculative then you think....

Yummy, Porn!

This is a blog about sex so lets talk PORN! Everyone should watch porn, or at the very least everyone should masturbate, and even if you say you don't, I know you do. If you really aren't lying about masturbating or not, you should jump on the band wagon, especially if you live a stressful life. If I'm stressed out or can't sleep I masturbate, after all it is much healthier then smoking a cigarette or drinking or even stress eating. Personally, I prefer to watch porn while I masturbate, and I'm guessing the majority of the male population of the world feels the same. And surprise surprise men, women enjoy porn too! I have a handful of girlfriends who I know for a fact watch porn or have watched porn at some point in their lives because they have flat out told me. Thank g-d for the Internet, because now any and every one of your fantasies can be displayed for FREE for your viewing! AWESOME

[Now don't get confused, and assume that I approve of kiddy porn, rape, or anything similar, because I don't. No those sick bastards have abused the concept of porn, but I'm not going to get into this subject today.]

It is fascinating how much sex sells, and for those conservatives who blame everything for what their kids do on the media and exploitation of sex, well I bet those are the people who have never had a real orgasm! Now I don't necessarily think that your daughter should be let out of the house if she chooses to prance around like a little slut, but there is such a thing a sexy over slutty. As long as you educated kids on condoms, birth control, diseases, etc.. then who gives a shit if they watch porn?! Oh right I forgot, its a sin. But I've never seen the term porn in the bible, so get over it.

One of my favorite movies of all time is, "The Girl Next Door," about a high school senior who meets the girl of his dreams, and she just happens to be a famous porn star. Congrats to the people who came up with that storyline; it's a perfect way to bring in the target audience of young adult males who we all know LOVE porn. Not to mention the open-minded chicks like myself who enjoyed the movie as well. One of the plot lines in the film deals with how sex-ed videos suck, and because they suck teens aren't paying too much attention to them in class. So how do you reach your target audience of 12-18 yr olds? PORN! In the film the characters come up with and produce a sex ed film acted out by porn stars, genius! I would watch it, and since you're reading this blog, I'm guessing you would too. From my knowledge no one as stolen this idea, but I think someone totally should. Because honestly watching the "Miracle of Life" doesn't make me not want to have sex, just not ever have a baby. Sure, in that sense it promotes birth control, but the thought of going through the pain of giving birth is not the least bit appealing.

This leads me to consider once again the affect of using sex to sell anything. People generally gravitate towards things that attract them, things that make them feel good. So bravo Abercrombie for those gorgeous buff men you have splattered all over your walls! Because not only is he hot but just the thought of him in my bed gets me wet! Why do you think so many teen queens love that store? Lots of color, hot babes on the walls, that sexy cologne smell, oh and hot staff! Personally, Abercombie is a little to preppy for my style, but I still understand the attraction.

Sex sells, and in with the economic state were in today, it should be kept in the back of your mind. SEX & BOOZE, I'm thinking an investment in a strip club is probably a good idea ;)

Lesbi-honest!

Last night I did something slightly sluttier than my normal taste, however quite satisfactory Because I got to make out with a chick more than once. My girl O and I were entered into an "I kissed a girl and I liked it" contest to be judged by the patrons of the bar. We were told to stand on the stage and suck face for 45 seconds, while the audience (of course) took photos and video. Who knows you many get a chance to watch me kiss a girl all over the internet, luck you. The whole scenerio brought me back to my freshmen year of college, where drunk or sober I would choose to kiss almost any girl over any guy. To this day I can honestly not tell you how many girls I have ever kissed, due to the fact that that semester was a drunken blur.

I have only kissed one girl who I can say for a fact was a horrible kisser; however I kissed several horrible guys. Whoever told a guy that smashing your face against mine and then shoving your tongue down my throat was attractive was seriously deranged. Now, don't get me wrong there is a time and place for passion, but I'd rather not be taking down gallons of spit as I'm trying to get laid; seriously, gag me.

The good kissing, and perhaps the fact that a woman's body is generally always more attractive than a male's, is probably why whenever I'm with a guy I always crave a woman. You could be the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on, and your dick could be porn star status, but I'm still going to want to fuck a woman. Safe to say, if I'm going to cheat on you it's going to be with a woman. After all when it comes to sex there are two types of men, there are men who just want to fuck for fucks sake and there are men who love a woman's body. If you fall intot he second category you are going to get more action, or at least fall into bed with a repeat offender instead of just one night stands.

When two women have sex, it's purely, and always a celebration of the female body. She knows how her body works; therefore she knows how your body works. No teaching has to take place. You don't need to show her where your clit is, because she already knows. True she doesn't have a penis, but she has hands and a tongue, but if you crave more penetration, then grab a stap on, at least you don't have to worry about that squirtting up in you and getting you preggers.

It's safe to say I've never had a bad hook up with a chick either. Katy Perry may have kissed a girl and liked it, but I guaruntee she did a lot more then just kiss her to want to write a song about it. But then again we live in a country with a bunch of prudes so titling the song, "I fucked a girl and i liked it," may not have had the best response, but at least it would have been the truth. Seriously people, lesbi-honest! ♥

Tainted Love

Everyone has that one person who generally falls under the title of the one who got away, but what if that person returns every six months? What if you never know they are coming, you walk into a random bar in random city and there they are, and there is the chemistry, there is the electricity, do you let fate take over and consume or walk away? I say have at it. But what if that person is spoken for by someone else? Does the word “sin” now enter your thoughts or fate? My fate always seems to lead me into sin, but that’s how I like it. If you run into that person enough times without planning, and that lust for each other never seems to die, then I say fuck sin, act on the present.

Some may prefer the name Whore based off some moral code, but those people are naïve, I prefer the term Mistress. If you have ever been with anyone and you have no words to describe the connection between the two of you other than pure infatuation and an electric pull, then you will understand the romance in the name Mistress. However, not without common misconception, the mistress only desires the Other Woman needs. So which would you rather have, which would you rather be consumed with, wanting or needing? A strong woman should always say want. A good friend once said to me, “needing someone to make you happy is an incomplete existence,” my point exactly.

When I am away from him I am fine, when I don’t hear from him, I understand. Confidence is key, and I am completely confident in how he feels about me. When a random stranger comes up to you two the first night you are together alone in public, and asks when you’re getting married based off of the way you act around one another, it must be fate. Now believe me I understand the conflict of wanting someone who cannot completely be yours; will he ever leave her? Not now, and probably not anytime soon, but I don’t care, I'll just leave it to chance. For those of you who have taken ecstasy; picture that feeling that surges through you veins, now imagine having that from looking at someone. You tell me if you’d walk away from that. For those of you who have never rolled, I recommend it, have sex on it, feel the love, especially if you are too big of a pussy to let it happen sober.

p.s. if you still don’t get it listen to the song “Money Honey,” by the infamous lady gaga, and if that doesn’t do it for you, skip church and take a class on Existentialism.

The Common Sense Gene & Lack There Of

I believe I have discovered the real reason for the lack of quality men in the most recent generations, the lack of the Common Sense gene. Lack of common sense generally comes when you don't think before you speak or act. I'm not saying that you should completely nix the idea of acting on impulse or being spontaneous, but there is a time and place for that. Part of having common sense, which is where I've found most men lack is thinking about how your actions will affect those around you, especially those who you care about. Such as saying you will call, and then not. Ok, so you actually can't talk when you said you could, well is it so hard to call and quickly say I will call you back when it is convenient or at least send a text saying the same thing? Is it really that hard? No

It's more frustrating and annoying then anything else. For example I just got broken up with in a way that hasn't happen since I was 17, which makes it even more horrible because we're not in high school anymore! I'd been seeing this guy for a little over a month, he sent me love letters, asked me to move in with him, took me to lunch with his grandmother and mother, was affectionate in public, nice to my friends, wouldn't let me pay for anything, basically picture perfect. I drop him off at his house after going to lunch one afternoon, we kiss good bye, he says he'll call me later, everything is peachy keen THEN I NEVER hear from him again. WTF is that? I mean be a man, use some common sense and at the very least text me and tell me why you want things to end. I'm a big girl ya I'll probably be crushed but I'll get over it.

It doesn't matter how old they are, the above example is 22, so you might say well he's young, he'll learn, he wont. I went to the bars the other night to grab a couple drinks with some friends. I'm minding my own business trying to consume this massively large shot, which I was not particularly excited about, when I get tapped on the shoulder. I turn around and standing before me is a 6'4 muscular man around the age of 28-32. He introduced himself by telling me that he has a Masters and asked if I wanted to dance. I said yes then after the 2nd dance I went back to talk to my friends. He followed and just stood there, so I turn to him and say I think I'm going to hang out with my friends for a bit, he asked what I thought he should do. Seriously? Use some common sense...so I say you hang out with your friends I'll hang out with mine and I'll find you later. Instead of getting it he says I really do have a masters I can show the certificate. So here I am thinking to myself, well isn't that dandy. Impressive, yes, but you have to have a lot more going on then a masters to make me interested.

Finally he gets it (or so I think) and goes back to talking to his friends. My girl L and I decide to go play some pool, a couple of our guy friends come and watch. Then we get approached by this man and a woman who ask to play 2 on 2 next, we say sure. Then their pose follow and I soon realize that they are Mr. Master's friends. So I tell one of my guy friends to cock block for me, my boy puts his arm around my waist, staking his "claim" yet Mr. Masters still comes up and tries to talk to me. Not only does he interrupt the conversation of my new "boyfriend" and I but he offers me a gift! CREEPY. He says its a very important token and he wants to give it to me. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy gifts..from people I know. I politely decline and say thank you but I'm undeserving (note: my boy is still standing there with his arm around my waist giving Mr. Masters the evil eye). Who gives someone a gift that they just met? Let alone a girl who is standing there with another guys arm around her waist? People who lack common sense is the only realistic answer. Or people who lack observation skills, but the two seem to go hand in hand for the most part.

Now by this time I'm getting slightly frustrated, yet I don't want to seem rude so I politely excuse myself by saying "Excuse me while I got to the bathroom." (I really did have to go). Mr. Master's turns to me and asks, "I'm sorry did I do something wrong?" So I pause, and think, using my common sense I realise that this guy doesn't get it. So I say, "Honestly, I think you should use actions above words to prove your attraction to someone." Referring of course to him telling me several times that he has a masters in order to make me want to talk to him.

Listen up men: Yes looking good on paper is nice, but it is more of a bonus than anything else. I want to like you for you, personality and physical attraction are much more important to me than whether you have a masters degree or not! Also use some common sense and observe! It takes all of two seconds, G-d forbid you have to use your brain for once!

The Stage Fright Penis part 2

After taking a trip down memory lane on the fabulous website, we are all stalker obsessed with Facebook, I thought about another story of the Stage Fright Penis, which humorous enough I would like to share. This story is in honor of my lovergirl S, and our fabulous sex lives during our freshmen year of college. Though the male in this story was a year older then us, he was still young, therefore fits perfectly into my theory that this penis disorder is most common in younger men.

Now my girl S, was dating this guy we nicknamed Cannoli, based off the physical shape and size of his penis, which we all owe to a photo she snapped of him one night when he was naked. Now upon the first night of S and Mr. Cannoli hooking up past first base, S somehow gets him to go down on her, which is a miracle in itself considering she has large beautiful boobs, and one would assume he'd be stuck consuming them all night. Anyways, Mr. Cannoli starts to eat her out, and then BAM!!! He cums! No that is not a typo, he came not her! Now wtf is that? He was touching her, she wasn't even anywhere near his penis, neither were his hands, but somehow everything was too overwhelming for his penis.

And there you have it another not so amazing, slightly hilarious, extremely embarrassing performance of the Stage Fright Penis! Needless to say, and not surprising at all, they did not finish hooking up that night. Although, there should be some compliments given to my girl S, who is obviously so hot that she doesn't need to do anything, and I mean nothing to make a guy cum all over himself. But seriously dude? It's probably pretty obvious that you would be a two-pump-chump, which is something after the 2nd time you ever have had sex should have been delt with.

The whole thing reminds me of that fabulous song that JT sang,"Jizz in My Pants." What is this strange phenomenon of men just looking at women and getting off? Seriously save yourself the embarrassment, and learn how to control yourselves. Unless you fall into that small percentage of men who can come more then once without having to take a serious break in between, we women are not going to want to go near you. Yes, its a compliment to the female race that we have these powers to make you explode by just looking at you, which may I note most of us were unaware of; but we want to cum too! And that certainly won't happen if this school boy crush mumbling cumming all over yourself shit doesn't get taken care of soon! And you wonder why so many of us (women) are starting to prefer our own sex over you...

The Curse of Arizona aka The Bad Boy Curse

I'd like to blame it on the heat, which is what I've tried to convince myself is the cause for everything this summer, but since it is not hot all year round here in Arizona, this one thing it cannot be blamed for. After several years of being a serial dater here in Arizona, the boys/men/guys have all proven one thing to me, that there must be a curse on this state, which I like to call the Bad Boy Curse.

It's been my experience that Arizona, specifically Tucson, breeds bad men. Even if you were not born and raised in the state, but then move here, you will at some point become an asshole if you were not one already. You will become what we women consider bad boys. You may be gorgeous, you may be tall and strong, you are most likely but not always covered in tattoos, you may know how to dance, you may own an amazing set of wheels or you may prefer to walk, you are probably an amazing kisser, and most often then not great in bed, but most importantly you know exactly how to sweep us (girls) off our feet, until a few weeks later where we see what a massive asshole you really are, and instead of landing on cloud nine we land in a pile of shit holding onto our broken hearts.

Personally, I'm an independent woman and get over the fact that you were a waste of my time rather quickly, but that does not set aside the fact that you seemed amazing but turned out to be the opposite. Nearly, every guy I've ever dated while living in Arizona has fallen under this curse. If that's true then you might ask me, "Why don't you date a different type of guy?" well dear reader I have dated all sorts of guys. They rarely ever fall into the same stereotypical category other then the curse.

Now don't get me wrong I realize that not 100% of the male race living in Arizona falls under this curse, but I would say 92% do, or at least from what I can tell. And for that 8% that have developed some sort of immunity to the curse, well they are snatched up so quickly, that literally not figuratively, in the blink of my eyes, they are spoken for. And since they are so amazing, once they are snatched up they are rarely seen on the market again.

I do suspect though there are a select few men that are able to fight off the curse and somehow cure themselves, however this is rare, and hard to find. And just thinking about this curse makes me want to try girls on for size again. After all, every time I'm with one of these soon to be heart breakers, all I ever crave is a make out sesh with a chick, but that is neither here nor there, so ladies beware of the curse!

The Stage Fright Penis & Then Some

This blog is in honor of my dear friend A. and a crisis which seems to occur in some men called the Stage Fright Penis. Most commonly occurs in those young men who we woman can't get enough of, that one guy that you don't know why but you just want to pounce him every chance you get. Then when you finally get him in bed with his cloths of, all your dreams are shattered because he can't get it up. Or in my girls case he starts to get it up but than gets a stomach cramp and has to stop. A stomach cramp?! Seriously? You know what I would say if my man was like I have a stomach cramp, I'd say man the fuck up, or atleast lie down and let me get on top of you so we can both still get something out of this.

Turns out this guy couldnt get it up on several other occasions, yet everynight she went over to hang out with him he would ask her to stay. But why would she stay if there isnt going to be a happy ending?

My theory abouth this stage fright stems from a simple thing we all like to call the school boy crush. I dont mean that fabulous myth we all heard growing up about boys being mean to you if they like you, because honestly theres a 50/50 chance that that is actually true. I mean the nervous, mumbling of words, following you like a puppy dog, eyes smile everytime youre around thing that happens most commonly when a younger guy likes and older woman. Once they reach college though, they add this thing in with the penis, he wants the penis to work, but for some strange reason (even with a super hot girl in front of them), the penis falls as flat as the muffled words falling out of his mouth. I.e. may I present to you the not so amazing Stage Fright Penis! A Performance that will never be sold out and despite acting classes may always have a seat in the back of our minds.

The circumstance becomes one that is more fraustrating then anything, and these questions then start to pop into any girls mind: What if this is only a one time occurance? If it's a one time occurance, does that mean this is just some random fluke? OMG This is so lame, maybe I should just go home. But what if he wants to see me again? Maybe I could train him, I'm so sick of training guys....And here enlies the bigger issue and the ultimate disappointment of the Stage Fright Penis, the fear of having to train them into performing on their own. Sometimes training can be fun, but not if we want pleasure now! We don't want a drooling puppy dog we want a strong stiff beast!

When It's Red I Want In...In Your Bed

Is it me or...Actually I know that I'm not the only woman who feels this way. Why is it that I find I am at my horniest when it's that time of the month? Of course a scientist would say it would have to do with hormones and the constant wet feeling between your legs, which I understand but I don't get why it's fair. It is as if mother earth was like here's the deal women you have to deal with giving birth, your first time feeling like hell, your period, oh and being at your highest peak of horniness when you're bleeding red. Well thank you mother earth because I don't know many guys who want to fuck me let alone touch me when my vag looks like this. But all I want to do, all I think about doing when I'm on my period is having sex: sex on the bed, sex at the grocery store, sex in the car, sex on the kitchen counter, you want sex? Well sex me now!

The funny thing is, which goes into my feelings on guys lacking common sense (blog coming to a computer like yours soon), is that we (women) are wetter when we're on our periods, therefore more enjoyable for the man. It is as if these guys have never heard of the concept of a woman getting her period, the only thought going through their heads during sex ed must have been "boobs! Give me more BOOBS." I mean hello, haven't you been waiting for us to come up to you and say, "Take me now! Fuck me now!" I mean if the sex is good, who cares if shes on her period? It's not like were asking you to dive down and eat us out, we just want to get laid.

During my freshmen year of college there was this guy who I went to hang out with aka hook up with. The only problem was, it was that time of the month, but i figured we could at least make out, and if I felt like it give his penis some pleasure. Now, in a past experience I had hooked up with a boy who didn't give a shit that I was on my period, he just wanted to see me cum, so I was hoping this guy wouldn't care too. After all this boy was in his Junior year of college, had two sisters, and was a total mamma's boy, therefore I thought he would be more understanding. So I went over to his house, we watched a movie aka foreplay and soon enough I found myself on top of him (semi-clothed). He starts to try and take my pants off and I gently move his hands, he tries again, I block again, smile look down at him and simply say, "It's that time of the month."
His response? "EW, EW EWWWWWWW!" like a fucking thirteen year old, I was appalled. I got up, left, and went home to bed, horny and alone.

Normally, my last thoughts before going to bed would be wtf is up with guys being so immature or omg I like him so much, but instead, it went more like this: "I'm still horny, FML I'M SO HORNY!!!" Which would continue to echo in my head until my period was done. Thank G-d for the person who invented the vibrator.

Breaking Up with the Penis

When talking/ranting about guys with the ladies one of the topics that comes up several times can only be described as "Breaking Up with the Penis." In other words it is much harder to break up, let alone get over a guy, if the sex is mind blowing (no pun intended). Most guys think our fear is that were never going to meet another guy that will make us feel (emotionally) as good as he did; wrong. Yes, it has to do with lovey dovey feelings, but damn if the sex is that good, personally I don't want to walk around, date around, wait around for another amazing penis to come my way. What if the next guy I have sex with is horrible in bed? And the one after that? It just appears to be a waste of time, especially when I have an amazing one just a phone call away or waiting for me in the next room.

Now, don't get me wrong the feelings of how much I actually like the guy do add to the pressure of do I or don't I want to break up with him, but the penis is the determinator. After all, personally I don't date guys seriously unless they are good in bed. (not including the small percentage whose personalities surpass how small or unskilled they are in bed). Just how we would all be liars if we claimed looks don't matter, it's a lie if you claimed sex doesn't matter either. For me, if I'm dating a guy for a few weeks, and we haven't had sex and then we do, and its horrible, well hes basically shit out of luck. True, like kissing, there are some boys you can train, but if its that bad that I cringe at the thought of getting naked with him again, I have a hard time continuing the dating. Sure we can be friends, but what guy wants to stay friends with a chick hes fucked but cant fuck again? Not many.

Let's say its the reverse situation though, you met an amazing guy, your personalities mesh well together, and lucky for you his skills under the covers are superb. However, like most guys a few months down the road he turns out to be an asshole and/or those things that seemed to mesh well between the two of you actually repel one another. So, any number of your girlfriends would say break up with him, dump his ass, but there is one big problem: the Penis. The sex is so good that you don't know what to do with yourself. You get mad at him but then he takes his shirt off for whatever reason or tries to kiss you to stop your tears, and BAM you want the Penis. And here enlies the dilemma, even if and/or after you break up with him you still pine for the Penis.

I have a girlfriend who dated this guy for about a year, tall, dark handsome, but drove her crazy, fighting all the time. They would break up then get back together, which he owed all to his amazingly massive skillfully trained penis. Even after they broke up for good, and she moved out of state, she still craved that Penis, and everytime she comes to town, guess where she goes to get her fix? And of course he thinks she misses him and he has her wrapped around his finger, when in reality she'd rather just staple his mouth shut, undress him, look at that glorious penis, get her sex on and leave.

If the sex was bad, the break up is easy. If the sex was good, its not just your eyes that are crying at night after the break up, but your vagina is sobbing as well with the Penis withdrawl.

Example taken from the textsfromlastnight website: (618): It's called penis withdrawl. Or alcoholism. I get confused these days.