Girls Like That Make Me Happy I'm Not 19

Women behaving badly, is a three word term that turns the heads of men everywhere, leading the spotlight onto the actions of good girls gone bad. However women behaving badly should be reserved for women not girls. Girls under the age of 21 to be specific, do not know how to properly behave badly. Getting drunk and crying your eyes out for 3 hrs straight is no the way into a mans heart, you want him to chase you not run to the nearest exist. Now dont be mistaken, I have been there, but you should reserve your tears for those men who you wouldnt mind regretting the action for in the morning.

On that note I'd like to share a story about my Valentines Day night, one which started out amazing and ended with me wanting to go bad girls club crazy on some stupid beezy. After telling myself over and over that I was going to be good and go home early, I failed and went to Playhouse in LA with my girl M. Upon being at Playhouse for about a minute I rand into one of the most notorious bachelors in LA right now, who I had only met for a mere second the weekend before. Our eyes locked, he strolls over, toss back those romance novel dirty blond locks, and says, "hello gorgeous," in his sexy french accent, and I was sold. My friend leans over to pronounce his playboy status to me, which honestly dear reader I dont care about. I actually prefer it to some degree. If I know a guy is a playboy then I wont want to have sex with him. They are the best to play with, because you never have to wonder what it would be like to give into them because you know it would never work. So we make out, hot and heavy, and orgasmic.

I go to dance with my girl M, and turn around five minutes later to see a plastic Angelina Jolie hanging all over my dearest Playboy. My friend once again notes is notorious ways, and I simply reply, I dont care. Playboy then turns and whispers in my ear, "I refuse to leave without you tonight, I'm bored lets go." I smile and say ok. As were waiting for valet, plastic angie rolls by with her girlfriends yelling to Playboy that I'm ugly hahahahhahhahaha seriously honey? You got denied, you were not his flavour of the night, so get over it and move on. Do you think he seriously will want you now? If anything he'll just continue communication with you because everyone likes feeling wanted, even if they dont give a shit about whose singing their praises.

Anyways....Playboy and I return to his house and start to mess around (note: i did tell him no sex, which I doubt he believed, but who cares). All of a sudden we hear banging on the door, now he lives with his siblings so, we just assumed it was one of them and ignored the knocks. Yet, they continued for about 20 minutes, till I finally comment that it must be a chick because no guy would knock on another guys door for that long unless he wanted in his pants, which I doubted was the case. We open the door (both of us half dressed) to find a young little thing crying her eyes out (turns out she 19 or 20, from san diego, had sex with pb once). Playboy asks her what the matter is. She says she has no where to sleep, so he says she may sleep on the couch or join us and that she shouldnt be upset because he told her, he was going home with someone else.

It then turned into a he said she said on repeat for about 3 hrs while I bit my tongue. She cried saying she wanted to talk, he yelled tell her to stop being dramatic and that shes being rude. At one point he even threatened to call the cops on her because as he said, she was being a fucking brat. Finally, he got her to go sleep in his brothers room, and we fell asleep together, that is until I woke up in the morning, rolled over and saw her laying next to me not him. I left, livid.

Now ladies you have only two options if you show up at the house of a guy you like uninvited and you see him with another woman. It's either A or B, there is nothing in between, especially if you want him to want to want you again, and here they are:

A. Join. Yes, thats right, join, make it a threesome. I honestly was down, but she was not having it.

B. Leave. Don't hang around waiting for him to choose, he already did. He went home with another girl. If he really liked you that much he would have kicked out the girl upon your entrance, without you having to comment, or he wouldnt have taken girl number two home to begin with.

I know what I'm talking about. I went to see a past lover once, right before I left Arizona. He spent the entire night hanging on some other chick in front of me (after spending the days previous all over me). So I played some pong and then left. I didnt want to stick around to wait and see who he picked to spend his night with, why would I put myself through that? I have respect for myself, obviously Ms Thing didnt.

Next time I see her I really want to say: If you want to rock the label Femme Fatal, you've got to hold your own, leave them wanting more, not wondering were they can buy a muzzle so that you'll stop the whining. Grow up and be confident. If he'll let you cry over him for more then 30 minutes without trying to comfort you and shed those tears, then he doesnt care. Deal with it...if that doesnt work perhaps a slap across the face will snap her back into reality haha because, serioulsy? SERIOUSLY.

Happy fucking Valentines Day to me, at least I came, if you know what I mean ;)

You May Have a Penis but You Might aswell Have a Vag

Why is it these days that the men we date seem to be bigger vagina's then us? Sitting here with my girl J tonight, over a glass of wine, reading the ranting texts from her ex of over a year ago bitch and moan about loving her still but his need for her to stop talking to him, started us thinking. Poor poor boys, society has begged you for decades to be more in touch with your feelings and let your guard down, however we didn't think it would come to this. Men being so in touch with their emotions that they have latched onto stereoytipical female traits and emotions. Thus becoming type of guys they would most likely make fun of over a pitcher of beer and wings on boys night out. So, J and I decided to make a list of the down fall of the manly man:

1. ordering salads on first dates or dinner in general

2. taking longer then us to get ready and thus being late for anything

3. having more beauty products in their bathroom, yet appearing to look exactly like they looked when they woke up

4. continuing to text and complain or give us a play by play of their day even if we dont respond

5. being clingy

6. having less experince in bed and praising our skills

7. driving like a maniac

8. shaving every part of their body, making them look like boys instead of men

9. going tanning, fake tanning to be specific

10. crying during arguments

11. insiting we make the first move, yet claiming they are gentlemen

12. drunk dialing about how much they miss us

13. choosing to enjoy "girly" things such as chick flicks and shopping oh and dont forget manis and pedis

14. bromances

15. going to the bathroom together

16. (straight) guys wearing eyeliner and girl jeans

17. calling your friends to see what they are wearing that night

& im sure the list goes on and on.

where is my tall manly man who enjoys growing hair on his body and chopping wood? do you exist anymore? do i need to go into the wilderness and hope i stumble upon you? i really dont know...oh and i almost forgot, it appears that more women then men these days graduate college...perhaps the real problem is men are just getting stupider and lamer by the minute. maybe thats a bit harsh but sometimes men/boys/guys the male race is just baffling.

where have all the supermen gone? lost in the pages of comic books I guess, maybe we should go to comic-con, after all there was a moment there when geeks were the new favorite accessory hahaha

No More Mr Nice Guy

Until last night I was beginning to think that perhaps I was being too harsh on the current single male population; maybe not all guys were bad, maybe I should give the nice guy a second chance. Therefore, I decided to go on a few dates with some "nice guys," however last night and other recent events that occurred not only to myself but to my girlfriends as well, has changed my mind about this being called the "Nice Guy."

I went on a couple dates with a N.G, I'll call Tattoo J. Though he was covered in tattoos and drove a motorcycle he seemed sweet enough to me. I even thought at one point I would actually really like to be friends with this guy, if not something more. He showed great interest in me both sexually and mentally, constantly sending me flirtatious text messages, and was openly honest about life and such. Two nights ago he tells me he cant wait to see me and be able to put his hands all over my newly Hawaiian tanned body and invites me to drinks for the next night. After a few drinks he tells me that he has a girlfriend, and has had one since the first time we met. Are you fucking kidding me?!

Here's the deal I understand that some of you guys may think you're being N.G's by confessing shit to us like that in person, but do yourself a favor and don't. Not only did he claim the first night we met that he was an honest guy, which now was obviously a lie, but i have now wasted a night I could have been spending with another guy or a friend. Tattoo J then with glassed over eyes repeatedly tells me hes sorry and I'm amazing and he was being selfish, well you know what I told him? "You are just plain stupid!"

I have a new theory about this N.G. thing. I believe at one point true N.G.'s did exist...that is 50 yrs ago, when giving your pin to a girl was peachy keen, and guys enjoyed holding a girls hand as much as they enjoy grabbing asses now. However, things have obviously changed. Now a days guys constantly complain that girls only go for B.G's (bad guys) and they always miss the good ones, yet the supposed N.G's always become B.G's down the line. It's as if all of a sudden the male race woke up one morning and was like lets all be B.G's. Now its truly slim pickings, for us women. Us girls shouldn't be the ones to blame for falling for the wrong kind of guy, blame yourselves (the guys) for being them.

My girl A had a realization one night a few months ago, that she had feelings for our friend B (who we had all known had been in love with her forever). They started out pretty casual, but quickly their relationship turned into a sleepovers every night-shared meals every day-kissy kissy lovey dovey puke in your mouth infatuated with one another-ship. B had been that cute boyish nice academically smart guy we'd all enjoyed hanging out, with into a completely whipped on my girl A and her on him. They appeared disgustingly into one another, and though they never made their relationship official on facebook, they were exclusive with one another.

Until one day A was roaming on facebook and came across a correspondence between B and his most recent ex who was away in France for the semester. In the messages A discovered that B and the ex were still saying how much they were in love with one another and how they couldn't wait to see each other. At one point B mentioned not taking a job offer in Vegas to be with her when she got back. When A confronted B with what she had seen, he denied it until she showed him proof, he then cried like a little bitch and begged her "not to give up on what they had." What exactly is it that they had? A relationship between a nice girl and a Jackal and Hyde? It still baffles me how such a seemly nice and devoted guy could turn around and devote his heart to another girl as well. I feel like for most people that involves way too much energy to even think about doing it.

So what is my conclusion (for now) about this nice guy epidemic? Men are selfish. When Tattoo J was flirting up a storm with me and asking me out and kissing me, was he thinking about how I would react when I found out he wasn't single? Obviously not. Was B considering how heartbroken A would be when she found out her dearest lover and friend was in love with someone else? Nope. And what about the other girls involved? I wonder how they are going to feel if and when they find out what these black knights in white armour were doing behind their backs.

Seriously, in the words of Minni Driver in Grosse Pointe Blank, "Where are all the good men dead, in the heart or in the head?" Obviously the head, since they seem to lack hearts.

Head

Head, its seems to be the only thing all guys always want. I have some girlfriends who love it, I have some who hate it, I know some who could careless, and some who find it repulsive, until recently I was one of those girls. It wasn't the act of doing it that I found repulsive, it was the taste and that I always found myself getting bored. This I will admit, is probably because I didnt know what I was doing, until a recent ex, with whom I perfected giving head. I wouldnt say I love it now, honestly I would still rather fuck a guy, but I don't mind giving it to those I would really love see squirm.

My real issue with giving head, and I find its either a hit or miss with most girls, is cum. Personally the tastes of it, the smell of it, makes me want to gag. Its so salty, and why does it have to be warm? I had this discussion with my girl Em a while back, who feels the same way as I do. I realize that it has enough protein to satisfy me for probably a week, however its warm. For me its like taking a shot of Vodka that has been left out of the fridge, you know it may do some good, however it makes you want to throw up the second it hits your tongue/throat. Why couldnt sperm be chilled? I'm not saying ice cold, I dont want my mouth to go numb, but I feel like I would enjoy it much more if it were at least closer to room temperature.

This got my girl Em and I thinking about this whole vampire craze that is circulating through out the world. If vampires are so much cooler to the touch then people, does that mean their sperm is cold? Do they even have sperm? I feel like the stories are a little wish washy of whether or not vampires can have children of their own the same way us mere humans do, so its tough to decide. Maybe when you become a Vampire you loose the inability to produce sperm. Now that would be awesome, to be able to give head with out worrying about some idiot cumming inside you, cumming on your face, or a warm salty gooey mess shooting down the back of your throat.

I much prefer biting anyways, so count me in!

Batter Up

Men in uniform. Yum. I went to the Dbacks Giants game tonight in Phoenix, and let me say, damn i love those pants! I think it's safe to say that every woman has a thing for a man in uniform, whether it a sport, military, construction, cowboy, you name it, we love it. My personal favorite, in case it was not clear, is the baseball uniform, especially when they fit the ass just right. But it's not just the pants it's the baseball tees and the MLB caps too, I just cant get enough. Have you every noticed how much better most guys look if they put a baseball hat on? I have, they should probably start wearing them in bed too. It's like sunglasses, sometimes you meet a guy (wearing sunglasses) and hes super hot, you chat it up, then he takes the glasses off, and BAM suddenly not so hot. You may think I'm crazy, but think about it next time you're in the situation, I would be surprised if you didn't think the same.

Speaking of baseball, lets talk bases. By bases I mean, in terms of hooking up. As in, "Did you guys hook up last night? What base did you get to?" One would think that we had all matured beyond using the expression, but I still find myself asking the question, as if I'm in 5th grade living vicariously through a friends sex life. I Always thought that everyone thought of the bases the same way, but I've learned that I'm wrong, but I def think my definition for each base makes the most sense:

1st: Making out maybe some boob action

2nd: Finger/Hand job

3rd: Head (male or female)

Home plate: Sex (vaginal)

Home run: Sex on the first night

Grand Slam: Threesome and beyond

Seems about right huh? I think yes.

So lets go to the park, you can throw sand at me and pretend to hate me, I'll run away and screaming acting like I don't want you to catch me, and when you finally tackle me lets go to first. Then maybe if you dont pull my hair I'll let you skip to 3rd. Now if you promise to sit next to me on the bus, I'll lead you to home plate. hahaha

Career Title: Whore

The other night I went to a local bar, stumbling distance from my apartment, in order to make a sparkless date start a fire, and I found the perfect igniter and her name is Nixon. It was basically love at first sight for both of us, once we realized we're both loud, candid, honest, and don't deal with bullshit, especially from men. Not to mention we seem to have the same taste in fashion and the "pretty" boys we let keep us company. Therefore it would not be hard for anyone to believe that my attention turned to her for the rest of the night and not on my date, who for the next two hours didn't even attempt to add to any of the conversations that took place.

One of the topics of conversation that came up was that Ms Nixon used to be a stripper. Which I wasn't too surprised by because she seemed like quite a sexual person, however she only did topless and this is why: "I'm not fucking rubbing my vag up and down some nasty pole that doesn't get cleaned after each dance. I heard what those bitches said in the back, I don't want herpes!" hahaha Totally understandable. Of course the guys who chimed in thought her excuse was ridiculous and kept asking "what if the pole was cleaned?!" Yet they never quite got the point, until I pointed out that she was making a statement that she would never rub her vag up and down a public pole even if it was supposedly cleaned each time.

The conversation was entertaining to say the least and got me thinking about stripping. No no not me stripping per say, but the thought about having an audience paying to see you dance is intriguing. Isn't it the same as paying to see the ballet or a hip hop crew? The answer I would assume, would be no to most people. Strippers take their clothes off, they are sluts or whores. But it is their choice to take their clothes off isn't it? And the people who pay to see them dance, well it was their choice to do that too, right? So what's the big deal. Art students and Universities pay models to pose nude for art classes, but yet those models aren't seen as slutty, when there really is no difference. They are paid to take their clothes off for an audience.

Are porn stars whores? I guess in technical terms many would say yes because they have slept with G-d knows how many people, but it is their job too. Are you only a slut if you don't get paid to do it?

What about go-go dancers or burlesque dancers. These are sexual jobs that people consider classier than perhaps a stripper or a porn star, but the differences are minimal. Go-go dancers don't take off their clothes, but they get paid to dance hours on end, generally in suggestive manners. Many of them can work the pole as good as any stripper, so why are they accepted but strippers aren't? Burlesque dancers do strip, but it is considered and artistic performance and they are generally not completely naked in front of the audience. Which brings up the question, if you can call it art is it ok? What if a stripper were to say, "the way I dance is an art form, my body is a symbol of feminine sexuality to be studied by those so willing." Makes it sound pretty good, huh?


"The whore is despised by the hypocritical world because she has made a realistic assessment of her assets and does not rely on fraud to make a living...her honesty is regarded with mocking wonder," (Angela Carter). Agreed.

May I Keep You?

If there were ever the perfect movie to inspire me to write a blog about, it would be "Strictly Sexual," about two roommates who hire two guys to live in their pool house to have sex with them whenever they want, as kept men. Not only does the movie do a good job with character development it also gives an inside look into the male female dynamic, and what makes the other tick. Prostitution or escorts are generally viewed as a female dominated sport in social media, however the prospect of a kept man does come up frequently in the discussion of cougars. But what if you are a younger woman who decides that having a guy around to use for sexual pleasure is the poison which you choose to take?

My girl T and I have often joked about kidnapping our two favorite past lovers and keeping them for pure entertainment. Though the action will likely never take place based off legal factors, what if they came willingly? We are both stuck in love/hate relationships with them, where they both love us and we hate them, however each time their eyes grace our bodies, lust takes over and we give in. In that respect we have chosen to keep little to no constant contact which each, but if there were ever the chance to keep them around as long as we'd like, we'd take it.

So why not surpass societies natural responses to the situation and jump right into the sort of relationship many people would probably gladly consider? After all, men love sex, women love sex, why not bring the two together? Men seem to have this preconceived notion that if you just asked us to fuck we would automatically say no. What they may not understand is that sometimes we don't like to deal with the messiness of a relationship as much as they do. Which is one of the reasons people have one night stands, right? You get to enjoy the lust and the passion and not worry about where the person is or who they are with the next day. Of course with the concept of a kept man there would most likely be rules, such as can they or can't they run off and have sex with other people too? Likely not.

I suppose that's what the playboy bunnies are, kept women. They have a curfew, an allowance, and are supposed (or so I've heard) to have sex with Hugh Hefner. Once the kept person or the "employer" decide they want out, each party goes on their separate ways.

Its the companionship without the crazy, although based off observation guys love crazy...