Yummy, Porn!

This is a blog about sex so lets talk PORN! Everyone should watch porn, or at the very least everyone should masturbate, and even if you say you don't, I know you do. If you really aren't lying about masturbating or not, you should jump on the band wagon, especially if you live a stressful life. If I'm stressed out or can't sleep I masturbate, after all it is much healthier then smoking a cigarette or drinking or even stress eating. Personally, I prefer to watch porn while I masturbate, and I'm guessing the majority of the male population of the world feels the same. And surprise surprise men, women enjoy porn too! I have a handful of girlfriends who I know for a fact watch porn or have watched porn at some point in their lives because they have flat out told me. Thank g-d for the Internet, because now any and every one of your fantasies can be displayed for FREE for your viewing! AWESOME

[Now don't get confused, and assume that I approve of kiddy porn, rape, or anything similar, because I don't. No those sick bastards have abused the concept of porn, but I'm not going to get into this subject today.]

It is fascinating how much sex sells, and for those conservatives who blame everything for what their kids do on the media and exploitation of sex, well I bet those are the people who have never had a real orgasm! Now I don't necessarily think that your daughter should be let out of the house if she chooses to prance around like a little slut, but there is such a thing a sexy over slutty. As long as you educated kids on condoms, birth control, diseases, etc.. then who gives a shit if they watch porn?! Oh right I forgot, its a sin. But I've never seen the term porn in the bible, so get over it.

One of my favorite movies of all time is, "The Girl Next Door," about a high school senior who meets the girl of his dreams, and she just happens to be a famous porn star. Congrats to the people who came up with that storyline; it's a perfect way to bring in the target audience of young adult males who we all know LOVE porn. Not to mention the open-minded chicks like myself who enjoyed the movie as well. One of the plot lines in the film deals with how sex-ed videos suck, and because they suck teens aren't paying too much attention to them in class. So how do you reach your target audience of 12-18 yr olds? PORN! In the film the characters come up with and produce a sex ed film acted out by porn stars, genius! I would watch it, and since you're reading this blog, I'm guessing you would too. From my knowledge no one as stolen this idea, but I think someone totally should. Because honestly watching the "Miracle of Life" doesn't make me not want to have sex, just not ever have a baby. Sure, in that sense it promotes birth control, but the thought of going through the pain of giving birth is not the least bit appealing.

This leads me to consider once again the affect of using sex to sell anything. People generally gravitate towards things that attract them, things that make them feel good. So bravo Abercrombie for those gorgeous buff men you have splattered all over your walls! Because not only is he hot but just the thought of him in my bed gets me wet! Why do you think so many teen queens love that store? Lots of color, hot babes on the walls, that sexy cologne smell, oh and hot staff! Personally, Abercombie is a little to preppy for my style, but I still understand the attraction.

Sex sells, and in with the economic state were in today, it should be kept in the back of your mind. SEX & BOOZE, I'm thinking an investment in a strip club is probably a good idea ;)

Lesbi-honest!

Last night I did something slightly sluttier than my normal taste, however quite satisfactory Because I got to make out with a chick more than once. My girl O and I were entered into an "I kissed a girl and I liked it" contest to be judged by the patrons of the bar. We were told to stand on the stage and suck face for 45 seconds, while the audience (of course) took photos and video. Who knows you many get a chance to watch me kiss a girl all over the internet, luck you. The whole scenerio brought me back to my freshmen year of college, where drunk or sober I would choose to kiss almost any girl over any guy. To this day I can honestly not tell you how many girls I have ever kissed, due to the fact that that semester was a drunken blur.

I have only kissed one girl who I can say for a fact was a horrible kisser; however I kissed several horrible guys. Whoever told a guy that smashing your face against mine and then shoving your tongue down my throat was attractive was seriously deranged. Now, don't get me wrong there is a time and place for passion, but I'd rather not be taking down gallons of spit as I'm trying to get laid; seriously, gag me.

The good kissing, and perhaps the fact that a woman's body is generally always more attractive than a male's, is probably why whenever I'm with a guy I always crave a woman. You could be the hottest guy I have ever laid eyes on, and your dick could be porn star status, but I'm still going to want to fuck a woman. Safe to say, if I'm going to cheat on you it's going to be with a woman. After all when it comes to sex there are two types of men, there are men who just want to fuck for fucks sake and there are men who love a woman's body. If you fall intot he second category you are going to get more action, or at least fall into bed with a repeat offender instead of just one night stands.

When two women have sex, it's purely, and always a celebration of the female body. She knows how her body works; therefore she knows how your body works. No teaching has to take place. You don't need to show her where your clit is, because she already knows. True she doesn't have a penis, but she has hands and a tongue, but if you crave more penetration, then grab a stap on, at least you don't have to worry about that squirtting up in you and getting you preggers.

It's safe to say I've never had a bad hook up with a chick either. Katy Perry may have kissed a girl and liked it, but I guaruntee she did a lot more then just kiss her to want to write a song about it. But then again we live in a country with a bunch of prudes so titling the song, "I fucked a girl and i liked it," may not have had the best response, but at least it would have been the truth. Seriously people, lesbi-honest! ♥

Tainted Love

Everyone has that one person who generally falls under the title of the one who got away, but what if that person returns every six months? What if you never know they are coming, you walk into a random bar in random city and there they are, and there is the chemistry, there is the electricity, do you let fate take over and consume or walk away? I say have at it. But what if that person is spoken for by someone else? Does the word “sin” now enter your thoughts or fate? My fate always seems to lead me into sin, but that’s how I like it. If you run into that person enough times without planning, and that lust for each other never seems to die, then I say fuck sin, act on the present.

Some may prefer the name Whore based off some moral code, but those people are naïve, I prefer the term Mistress. If you have ever been with anyone and you have no words to describe the connection between the two of you other than pure infatuation and an electric pull, then you will understand the romance in the name Mistress. However, not without common misconception, the mistress only desires the Other Woman needs. So which would you rather have, which would you rather be consumed with, wanting or needing? A strong woman should always say want. A good friend once said to me, “needing someone to make you happy is an incomplete existence,” my point exactly.

When I am away from him I am fine, when I don’t hear from him, I understand. Confidence is key, and I am completely confident in how he feels about me. When a random stranger comes up to you two the first night you are together alone in public, and asks when you’re getting married based off of the way you act around one another, it must be fate. Now believe me I understand the conflict of wanting someone who cannot completely be yours; will he ever leave her? Not now, and probably not anytime soon, but I don’t care, I'll just leave it to chance. For those of you who have taken ecstasy; picture that feeling that surges through you veins, now imagine having that from looking at someone. You tell me if you’d walk away from that. For those of you who have never rolled, I recommend it, have sex on it, feel the love, especially if you are too big of a pussy to let it happen sober.

p.s. if you still don’t get it listen to the song “Money Honey,” by the infamous lady gaga, and if that doesn’t do it for you, skip church and take a class on Existentialism.

The Common Sense Gene & Lack There Of

I believe I have discovered the real reason for the lack of quality men in the most recent generations, the lack of the Common Sense gene. Lack of common sense generally comes when you don't think before you speak or act. I'm not saying that you should completely nix the idea of acting on impulse or being spontaneous, but there is a time and place for that. Part of having common sense, which is where I've found most men lack is thinking about how your actions will affect those around you, especially those who you care about. Such as saying you will call, and then not. Ok, so you actually can't talk when you said you could, well is it so hard to call and quickly say I will call you back when it is convenient or at least send a text saying the same thing? Is it really that hard? No

It's more frustrating and annoying then anything else. For example I just got broken up with in a way that hasn't happen since I was 17, which makes it even more horrible because we're not in high school anymore! I'd been seeing this guy for a little over a month, he sent me love letters, asked me to move in with him, took me to lunch with his grandmother and mother, was affectionate in public, nice to my friends, wouldn't let me pay for anything, basically picture perfect. I drop him off at his house after going to lunch one afternoon, we kiss good bye, he says he'll call me later, everything is peachy keen THEN I NEVER hear from him again. WTF is that? I mean be a man, use some common sense and at the very least text me and tell me why you want things to end. I'm a big girl ya I'll probably be crushed but I'll get over it.

It doesn't matter how old they are, the above example is 22, so you might say well he's young, he'll learn, he wont. I went to the bars the other night to grab a couple drinks with some friends. I'm minding my own business trying to consume this massively large shot, which I was not particularly excited about, when I get tapped on the shoulder. I turn around and standing before me is a 6'4 muscular man around the age of 28-32. He introduced himself by telling me that he has a Masters and asked if I wanted to dance. I said yes then after the 2nd dance I went back to talk to my friends. He followed and just stood there, so I turn to him and say I think I'm going to hang out with my friends for a bit, he asked what I thought he should do. Seriously? Use some common sense...so I say you hang out with your friends I'll hang out with mine and I'll find you later. Instead of getting it he says I really do have a masters I can show the certificate. So here I am thinking to myself, well isn't that dandy. Impressive, yes, but you have to have a lot more going on then a masters to make me interested.

Finally he gets it (or so I think) and goes back to talking to his friends. My girl L and I decide to go play some pool, a couple of our guy friends come and watch. Then we get approached by this man and a woman who ask to play 2 on 2 next, we say sure. Then their pose follow and I soon realize that they are Mr. Master's friends. So I tell one of my guy friends to cock block for me, my boy puts his arm around my waist, staking his "claim" yet Mr. Masters still comes up and tries to talk to me. Not only does he interrupt the conversation of my new "boyfriend" and I but he offers me a gift! CREEPY. He says its a very important token and he wants to give it to me. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy gifts..from people I know. I politely decline and say thank you but I'm undeserving (note: my boy is still standing there with his arm around my waist giving Mr. Masters the evil eye). Who gives someone a gift that they just met? Let alone a girl who is standing there with another guys arm around her waist? People who lack common sense is the only realistic answer. Or people who lack observation skills, but the two seem to go hand in hand for the most part.

Now by this time I'm getting slightly frustrated, yet I don't want to seem rude so I politely excuse myself by saying "Excuse me while I got to the bathroom." (I really did have to go). Mr. Master's turns to me and asks, "I'm sorry did I do something wrong?" So I pause, and think, using my common sense I realise that this guy doesn't get it. So I say, "Honestly, I think you should use actions above words to prove your attraction to someone." Referring of course to him telling me several times that he has a masters in order to make me want to talk to him.

Listen up men: Yes looking good on paper is nice, but it is more of a bonus than anything else. I want to like you for you, personality and physical attraction are much more important to me than whether you have a masters degree or not! Also use some common sense and observe! It takes all of two seconds, G-d forbid you have to use your brain for once!

The Stage Fright Penis part 2

After taking a trip down memory lane on the fabulous website, we are all stalker obsessed with Facebook, I thought about another story of the Stage Fright Penis, which humorous enough I would like to share. This story is in honor of my lovergirl S, and our fabulous sex lives during our freshmen year of college. Though the male in this story was a year older then us, he was still young, therefore fits perfectly into my theory that this penis disorder is most common in younger men.

Now my girl S, was dating this guy we nicknamed Cannoli, based off the physical shape and size of his penis, which we all owe to a photo she snapped of him one night when he was naked. Now upon the first night of S and Mr. Cannoli hooking up past first base, S somehow gets him to go down on her, which is a miracle in itself considering she has large beautiful boobs, and one would assume he'd be stuck consuming them all night. Anyways, Mr. Cannoli starts to eat her out, and then BAM!!! He cums! No that is not a typo, he came not her! Now wtf is that? He was touching her, she wasn't even anywhere near his penis, neither were his hands, but somehow everything was too overwhelming for his penis.

And there you have it another not so amazing, slightly hilarious, extremely embarrassing performance of the Stage Fright Penis! Needless to say, and not surprising at all, they did not finish hooking up that night. Although, there should be some compliments given to my girl S, who is obviously so hot that she doesn't need to do anything, and I mean nothing to make a guy cum all over himself. But seriously dude? It's probably pretty obvious that you would be a two-pump-chump, which is something after the 2nd time you ever have had sex should have been delt with.

The whole thing reminds me of that fabulous song that JT sang,"Jizz in My Pants." What is this strange phenomenon of men just looking at women and getting off? Seriously save yourself the embarrassment, and learn how to control yourselves. Unless you fall into that small percentage of men who can come more then once without having to take a serious break in between, we women are not going to want to go near you. Yes, its a compliment to the female race that we have these powers to make you explode by just looking at you, which may I note most of us were unaware of; but we want to cum too! And that certainly won't happen if this school boy crush mumbling cumming all over yourself shit doesn't get taken care of soon! And you wonder why so many of us (women) are starting to prefer our own sex over you...

The Curse of Arizona aka The Bad Boy Curse

I'd like to blame it on the heat, which is what I've tried to convince myself is the cause for everything this summer, but since it is not hot all year round here in Arizona, this one thing it cannot be blamed for. After several years of being a serial dater here in Arizona, the boys/men/guys have all proven one thing to me, that there must be a curse on this state, which I like to call the Bad Boy Curse.

It's been my experience that Arizona, specifically Tucson, breeds bad men. Even if you were not born and raised in the state, but then move here, you will at some point become an asshole if you were not one already. You will become what we women consider bad boys. You may be gorgeous, you may be tall and strong, you are most likely but not always covered in tattoos, you may know how to dance, you may own an amazing set of wheels or you may prefer to walk, you are probably an amazing kisser, and most often then not great in bed, but most importantly you know exactly how to sweep us (girls) off our feet, until a few weeks later where we see what a massive asshole you really are, and instead of landing on cloud nine we land in a pile of shit holding onto our broken hearts.

Personally, I'm an independent woman and get over the fact that you were a waste of my time rather quickly, but that does not set aside the fact that you seemed amazing but turned out to be the opposite. Nearly, every guy I've ever dated while living in Arizona has fallen under this curse. If that's true then you might ask me, "Why don't you date a different type of guy?" well dear reader I have dated all sorts of guys. They rarely ever fall into the same stereotypical category other then the curse.

Now don't get me wrong I realize that not 100% of the male race living in Arizona falls under this curse, but I would say 92% do, or at least from what I can tell. And for that 8% that have developed some sort of immunity to the curse, well they are snatched up so quickly, that literally not figuratively, in the blink of my eyes, they are spoken for. And since they are so amazing, once they are snatched up they are rarely seen on the market again.

I do suspect though there are a select few men that are able to fight off the curse and somehow cure themselves, however this is rare, and hard to find. And just thinking about this curse makes me want to try girls on for size again. After all, every time I'm with one of these soon to be heart breakers, all I ever crave is a make out sesh with a chick, but that is neither here nor there, so ladies beware of the curse!

The Stage Fright Penis & Then Some

This blog is in honor of my dear friend A. and a crisis which seems to occur in some men called the Stage Fright Penis. Most commonly occurs in those young men who we woman can't get enough of, that one guy that you don't know why but you just want to pounce him every chance you get. Then when you finally get him in bed with his cloths of, all your dreams are shattered because he can't get it up. Or in my girls case he starts to get it up but than gets a stomach cramp and has to stop. A stomach cramp?! Seriously? You know what I would say if my man was like I have a stomach cramp, I'd say man the fuck up, or atleast lie down and let me get on top of you so we can both still get something out of this.

Turns out this guy couldnt get it up on several other occasions, yet everynight she went over to hang out with him he would ask her to stay. But why would she stay if there isnt going to be a happy ending?

My theory abouth this stage fright stems from a simple thing we all like to call the school boy crush. I dont mean that fabulous myth we all heard growing up about boys being mean to you if they like you, because honestly theres a 50/50 chance that that is actually true. I mean the nervous, mumbling of words, following you like a puppy dog, eyes smile everytime youre around thing that happens most commonly when a younger guy likes and older woman. Once they reach college though, they add this thing in with the penis, he wants the penis to work, but for some strange reason (even with a super hot girl in front of them), the penis falls as flat as the muffled words falling out of his mouth. I.e. may I present to you the not so amazing Stage Fright Penis! A Performance that will never be sold out and despite acting classes may always have a seat in the back of our minds.

The circumstance becomes one that is more fraustrating then anything, and these questions then start to pop into any girls mind: What if this is only a one time occurance? If it's a one time occurance, does that mean this is just some random fluke? OMG This is so lame, maybe I should just go home. But what if he wants to see me again? Maybe I could train him, I'm so sick of training guys....And here enlies the bigger issue and the ultimate disappointment of the Stage Fright Penis, the fear of having to train them into performing on their own. Sometimes training can be fun, but not if we want pleasure now! We don't want a drooling puppy dog we want a strong stiff beast!

When It's Red I Want In...In Your Bed

Is it me or...Actually I know that I'm not the only woman who feels this way. Why is it that I find I am at my horniest when it's that time of the month? Of course a scientist would say it would have to do with hormones and the constant wet feeling between your legs, which I understand but I don't get why it's fair. It is as if mother earth was like here's the deal women you have to deal with giving birth, your first time feeling like hell, your period, oh and being at your highest peak of horniness when you're bleeding red. Well thank you mother earth because I don't know many guys who want to fuck me let alone touch me when my vag looks like this. But all I want to do, all I think about doing when I'm on my period is having sex: sex on the bed, sex at the grocery store, sex in the car, sex on the kitchen counter, you want sex? Well sex me now!

The funny thing is, which goes into my feelings on guys lacking common sense (blog coming to a computer like yours soon), is that we (women) are wetter when we're on our periods, therefore more enjoyable for the man. It is as if these guys have never heard of the concept of a woman getting her period, the only thought going through their heads during sex ed must have been "boobs! Give me more BOOBS." I mean hello, haven't you been waiting for us to come up to you and say, "Take me now! Fuck me now!" I mean if the sex is good, who cares if shes on her period? It's not like were asking you to dive down and eat us out, we just want to get laid.

During my freshmen year of college there was this guy who I went to hang out with aka hook up with. The only problem was, it was that time of the month, but i figured we could at least make out, and if I felt like it give his penis some pleasure. Now, in a past experience I had hooked up with a boy who didn't give a shit that I was on my period, he just wanted to see me cum, so I was hoping this guy wouldn't care too. After all this boy was in his Junior year of college, had two sisters, and was a total mamma's boy, therefore I thought he would be more understanding. So I went over to his house, we watched a movie aka foreplay and soon enough I found myself on top of him (semi-clothed). He starts to try and take my pants off and I gently move his hands, he tries again, I block again, smile look down at him and simply say, "It's that time of the month."
His response? "EW, EW EWWWWWWW!" like a fucking thirteen year old, I was appalled. I got up, left, and went home to bed, horny and alone.

Normally, my last thoughts before going to bed would be wtf is up with guys being so immature or omg I like him so much, but instead, it went more like this: "I'm still horny, FML I'M SO HORNY!!!" Which would continue to echo in my head until my period was done. Thank G-d for the person who invented the vibrator.

Breaking Up with the Penis

When talking/ranting about guys with the ladies one of the topics that comes up several times can only be described as "Breaking Up with the Penis." In other words it is much harder to break up, let alone get over a guy, if the sex is mind blowing (no pun intended). Most guys think our fear is that were never going to meet another guy that will make us feel (emotionally) as good as he did; wrong. Yes, it has to do with lovey dovey feelings, but damn if the sex is that good, personally I don't want to walk around, date around, wait around for another amazing penis to come my way. What if the next guy I have sex with is horrible in bed? And the one after that? It just appears to be a waste of time, especially when I have an amazing one just a phone call away or waiting for me in the next room.

Now, don't get me wrong the feelings of how much I actually like the guy do add to the pressure of do I or don't I want to break up with him, but the penis is the determinator. After all, personally I don't date guys seriously unless they are good in bed. (not including the small percentage whose personalities surpass how small or unskilled they are in bed). Just how we would all be liars if we claimed looks don't matter, it's a lie if you claimed sex doesn't matter either. For me, if I'm dating a guy for a few weeks, and we haven't had sex and then we do, and its horrible, well hes basically shit out of luck. True, like kissing, there are some boys you can train, but if its that bad that I cringe at the thought of getting naked with him again, I have a hard time continuing the dating. Sure we can be friends, but what guy wants to stay friends with a chick hes fucked but cant fuck again? Not many.

Let's say its the reverse situation though, you met an amazing guy, your personalities mesh well together, and lucky for you his skills under the covers are superb. However, like most guys a few months down the road he turns out to be an asshole and/or those things that seemed to mesh well between the two of you actually repel one another. So, any number of your girlfriends would say break up with him, dump his ass, but there is one big problem: the Penis. The sex is so good that you don't know what to do with yourself. You get mad at him but then he takes his shirt off for whatever reason or tries to kiss you to stop your tears, and BAM you want the Penis. And here enlies the dilemma, even if and/or after you break up with him you still pine for the Penis.

I have a girlfriend who dated this guy for about a year, tall, dark handsome, but drove her crazy, fighting all the time. They would break up then get back together, which he owed all to his amazingly massive skillfully trained penis. Even after they broke up for good, and she moved out of state, she still craved that Penis, and everytime she comes to town, guess where she goes to get her fix? And of course he thinks she misses him and he has her wrapped around his finger, when in reality she'd rather just staple his mouth shut, undress him, look at that glorious penis, get her sex on and leave.

If the sex was bad, the break up is easy. If the sex was good, its not just your eyes that are crying at night after the break up, but your vagina is sobbing as well with the Penis withdrawl.

Example taken from the textsfromlastnight website: (618): It's called penis withdrawl. Or alcoholism. I get confused these days.